I put on my robe and wizard hat.

[questionauthority]

Who: Edward Nigma, Ema Skye, Susan Sto Helit, Luke Triton, Lil' Slugger, and Death
What: The Riddler leads a merry band of adventurers on an epic quest for survival.
Where: In the realm of imagination (726 Anderson Lane)
When: Sunday, February 12th, 195X
Warnings: Potential for critical failures.

[You find yourselves in a crowded little dining room in 726 Anderson Lane, seated around a long table. There is a large grid laid out along the table, along with miniature figurines, pencils, papers, and multicolored die of different shapes and sizes. At the head of this table, hiding behind an elaborate screen is none other than your Dungeon Master, Edward Nigma.

> Roll for History

The Riddler received this tabletop RPG as a stocking stuffer this past Christmas, and after two months, it's finally time to put the game to good use.

> Roll for Bluff

Sorry, Puzzle Party Death House. There's no way you're getting out of this one. Instead...

> Roll for Endurance

Because by god, you're going to need it.]

Comments

[questionauthority]

I can't even begin to tell you everything that is wrong with this character sheet. To start, you're significantly overleveled.

[inthebones]

I know.

[Wasn't that obvious already?]

[questionauthority]

Apart from the fact that one ordinarily stops gaining experience at level thirty, each of you will be starting at level one.

[inthebones]

Oh, right, we're pretending to be someone else. Hm. I suppose that means I'll have to downgrade to 29.

What was the point of this game again?

[questionauthority]

We're to have an exhilarating adventure in the comfort of our dining room. This may be just a silly game to you, Susan, but do try to take it seriously.

[Says the grown man hiding behind a castle made out of cardboard.]

[inthebones]

Believe me, Edward. You can't even begin to appreciate the amount of effort I've put into trying just to still be sitting here at this table.

Right. Which is the best class, then?

[questionauthority]

Objectively speaking, there is no best class. Each class has their own advantages and disadvantages.

[inthebones]

But there are better ones.

[questionauthority]

Depending on your personal preferences.

[inthebones]

Be that way. You'd probably tell me the Bard or the Meat Pie Seller out of spite.

[questionauthority]

From my own personal experience, I was always particularly drawn to the Rogue.

[inthebones]

Of course you were.

[Brainflash!]

Right, then.

[She takes the sheet back, scribbles for a few moments, and hands it back with the following: Edwina, Level 1 Rogue, with negative stats in Wisdom and Charisma.]

[questionauthority]

[Clever.]

That's rather abysmal, wouldn't you say? Charisma should be one of your most important scores as a Rogue. And you could afford a much higher Wisdom score.

[inthebones]

Oh, alright.

[Finally seeming to take it seriously, the end result is a Rogue with an excellent stat spread but a curious deficiency in Attack. Looks like Susan had read some of the instructions after all. Whether this is a final dig at Edward or a personal preference will go unexplained.]

[questionauthority]

Better.

[He hands the sheet back to Susan, murmuring something under his breath.]

[inthebones]

What was that?

[Also Edwina is a hideous name that ought never to have been conceived. The rogue's name is Isabel.]

[questionauthority]

Nothing.

[inthebones]

...I believe Grandfather could use some help. Stop him before he tries to make his class Knitting.

[questionauthority]

[He can almost feel his brain starting to melt already. You're off the hook for now, Susan.]