mayfield_logs | You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star. [CLOSED]

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You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star. [CLOSED]

Who: Marisa and Ciel
What: In need of medical attention and spiritual guidance? Ask a woman of faith! Marisa... has Ciel. She sort of counts.
Where: 1125 Taylor
When: Morning of the Break Event
Warnings: blood, angst, nagging and the butchering of Christian dogma.

Soul. The word rebounded to me, and I wondered, as I often had, what it was exactly. People talked about it all the time, but did anybody actually know? Sometimes I'd pictured it like a pilot light burning inside a person--a drop of fire from the invisible inferno people called God. Or a squashy substance, like a piece of clay or dental mold, which collected the sum of a person's experiences--a million indentations of happiness, desperation, fear, all the small piercings of beauty we've ever known.

-SUE MONK KIDD, The Mermaid Chair

Marisa awoke to an sharp pain. Yes, this wasn't uncommon given how often she fell asleep down in the basement at the worktable, but the sharp pain was typically in her back or her neck from sleeping in an odd position. Not this time. This was an unusual sharp pain on her right leg. Her right thigh to be exact.

The witch threw the sheets off to take a look at her leg only to find not only the bottom half of her nightgown soaked in blood, but the sheets about her leg as well. Bright red, wet... fresh. She hissed as she pulled the bloodied cloth of her nightgown up to stare at the gouge in her thigh... A very familiar one. Ragged, jagged, and deep.

She'd died from this wound when her body had stopped trying to heal itself when the radiation was thick in the air. It just bled and bled and bled and kept bleeding. And after Patchouli had died in her arms... Marisa had given up on trying to staunch the bleeding, succumbing to the blood loss. But now was different. This had healed... hadn't it? HADN'T IT?

"Ciel."

Was this because of the machine that gone blown up?

"Ciel!"

Was she starting to fall apart because she had no soul to hold herself together?

"C-CIEL!!"

What was going on?

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It didn't take long. Ciel didn't sleep at all last night, not since the leaked phonecalls and more news have been disclosed about the revival machine breaking down. After a quiet and unfruitful patrol out during the early hours of the morning, she came back before the sun rose to make some tea and calm her nerves. ...Not that she was ever in a panicked state, but she had a feeling that things are going to worsen even if no one dies. There's no proof - yet, but based on past experiences here, she has rather good reasons to believe so.

The shout from Marisa's room effectively solidified all her doubts. Getting upstairs, she can already catch a worrisome scent in the air. Seconds later, the door to Marisa's room will quickly open with Ciel already clad in her habits, and--

Her eyes grow sharper, but otherwise, her expression doesn't change. Without a single word, she makes her way next to the bed.

"Sit up straight and leave your legs outstretched." It's not a plea, but a demand this time. Her tone is curt, and leaning over, she'll swiftly remove the sheets before placing a palm over the center of the red stain on Marisa's nightgown. That's going to need to go, but for now she just needs to stop the bleeding, and that can be done without the garment's removal.

The effects should be instant, provided they work. A cooling sensation that gradually washes away the pain will settle, while the blood vessels are mended to stop further hemorrhage. ...The wound is surprisingly deep, but that she can ask later. She's watching Marisa's face out from the corner of her eye, despite looking to be fully focused on her leg. Her expression may be a good indication, of whether Ciel's made a difference or not with what she's done just now.

Marisa still finds that outfit of Ciel's very odd-looking, but she gets it's a Christian-y thing. And as much as Marisa tended to argue with Ciel and not listen to her, there's no hesitance in the witch now. She does exactly as told; Ciel's calmness and command of the situation seemed to help keep Marisa from hyperventilating in her rising panic, though her breathing was still heavy and sweat beaded on her face.

This was a different kind of healing than she was used to - cool instead of warm and fuzzy - but there's a bit of relief in her expression after a few seconds of her body resisting the spell. Her hand wiped at her face, forgetting there had been blood on her hand, and she breathed a little easier.

Still, she gave a bit of a whine of confusion and grabbed weakly at Ciel's other arm. Gods, she wanted a hug.

What she customarily wore as "work outfit" isn't even an uniform assigned by the Church, she made it herself. But those are details, and nobody needed to know such trivial truths. Either way, it's good that Marisa obeyed, she would have just taken matters into her own hands if for some reason Marisa really opposed. This is a very serious situation now however, so it'd be plain foolish to act defiant, especially with the revival machine down.

...Good. Dangling her legs would just ease circulation and promote blood loss as a result, so leaving them outstretched should have minimize some of that. She doesn't sigh, but she does breathe out when Marisa seems to relax. She'll let the witch hang onto her without pulling away, but she's not going to relax herself just yet.

"I need to cut open your nightgown to assess the wound. Can you hang in there for a bit longer, Marisa?" Her tone remains soft and steady while she'll shift a bit to look the younger girl in the eyes, her expression mirroring her tone.

The witch continued to clutch Ciel's sleeve and wasn't about to let go unless she was forced to. Marisa nodded and tried to keep herself calm. It was hard, so very hard, and the more she thought about why she had this wound again, the more she forgot the things Patchouli had told her when they'd talked about what Marisa was.

The gown didn't stick to the wound like it would have if it was something that had happened in the middle of the night and Marisa just woke to it. No, it was as if something sharp and ragged, like a large piece of meal debris, had just now gouged down the length of her thigh. Like she'd fallen...

Her eyes visibly narrow at the gash's exposure. Something so deep, and appearing so spontaneously... It's clear that Marisa hasn't done anything than sleep and wake up in the last few hours. With the revival machine down, does that mean wounds are randomly appearing? ...No, revival. There is one other possibility, so unless...

Bah, that doesn't matter. Asking about a wound won't treat it, the information may be useful later but not right now.

"It has to be cleaned. Will you be able to hang on, while I carry you to the bathtub?" Clean water and towels to wash and dry would definitely be very helpful to have. She'll also need to get the first aid kit and her roll of burial cloth: looks like that may finally come in use here, if this wound refuses to stay shut and begins bleeding again.

Marisa wasn't unused to seeing her own blood, not with as many times as she'd injured herself growing up and training in the magical arts, but this was an awful lot of blood and it made her remember...

The witch nodded, arms automatically going up to hang onto Ciel's shoulders. Marisa was just shy of a hundred pounds, being as slight as she was. She was shaking, upset, and feeling light-headed.

"I'm scared."

Her weight didn't matter. Ciel could easily carry thrice of Marisa's actual weight if that was necessary. She'll gingerly carry her to the bathroom then, and lay her down into the tub just as carefully.

"You'll be okay."

It's said softly, but not like a wistful promise - it's calmly stated fact. She might've emphasized the "you"; not a vague term like "it", but "you", as a specific individual instead of referring to the general state of things that can't quite be precisely described.

Warm water begins to run and create a shallow pool inside the tub. The bathroom was small enough for Ciel to be able to grab a clean towel without letting go of Marisa, which she'll rinse before starting to work on washing away the blood around the wound. There hasn't - or at least, shouldn't have been more blood since Ciel closed the wound, but with Mayfield, it's never easy to make sure.

"How do you feel? Your leg and your head." If she's not feeling light-headed or dizzy from the pain, then her condition would be stable. It's what she looks to be, but Marisa herself should know best.

As the water washed over the wound, it became clear that Ciel's healing had indeed stopped the bleeding but it didn't take a doctor to be able to tell it was tenuous healing at best. Muscle was still exposed and a hard jostle would easily start it bleeding again.

Marisa held onto Ciel with one hand and held fast to the side of the bathtub with her other, knuckles standing out white with how hard she was gripping the edge.

"Woozy."

She knew this feeling... Too much blood loss at once. Like when she'd first received the wound and had to bind it as best she could, take way too many aspirin and rest. If she had not needed to find Patchouli at that time, Marisa doubted she would've been able to move on it.

"Leg hurts... a lot."

"...Mm." She hums softly in acknowledgment. It was a quick fix, and while she can redo it with more power, it may be a good idea to procure some better and more fitting equipment first.

"Focus on taking deep breaths, and don't make any sudden movements. ...Can you let go for a bit and be by yourself, Marisa? I need to get the first aid kit downstairs and some other healing supplies. I can also bring you something to drink, would you like that?" She's briefly reminded of the time she had to do a minor surgery to Komachi after the girl had received two bullet wounds to her calf.

...

She offers a small smile of reassurance after giving her own head a light shake to clear stray thoughts. The witch must not want to be left alone right now, but... "I'll be quick, I promise."

Again, the witch nodded, but it took a few more moments before she actually made herself let go of Ciel. Her arms went about herself as she stared down at her leg. She was waiting for it to start bleeding again, as it did that day. Marisa wasn't even sure if the pain she felt was from her body or her heart. She should be numb to this... shouldn't she?

Another injury... Another day... Right?

"...no drink." Because all she wanted to drink right then was booze. Ciel wouldn't let her even if she asked.

Except she's got about the naggiest not!mother in Mayfield. Ciel's got a feeling Marisa would refuse to stay put once the gash is treated as best as she could, but if there's any little thing she can do, she will assure to the utmost of her ability that the witch leaves the house healed as much as she could be.

...

That would earn her a flicker to the forehead, it's just as good that Marisa had the wisdom to keep such an outrageous tidbit to herself.

"Okay. I'll be right back, don't do anything reckless." ...And yes, she felt it necessary to add that. But it really would take her barely a minute to get back once she disappears from the doorway, Marisa may not even hear any footsteps from the staircase. And indeed, along with the standard first aid kit, Ciel's brought with her a few more clean towels and a roll of familiar red cloth. ...She has stayed put during the other woman's brief absence, hasn't she?

She had indeed stayed put while Ciel was gone. She had her head pillowed on her arm as it was propped up on the edge of the bathtub, the mass of blonde curls she sported in the mornings before she could tame her hair concealing her face. There was no need to worry, though, for the gentle moving of her hair made it clear she was definitely breathing.

A few seconds later, Marisa looked up through her hair, eyes widening at the red cloth Ciel had. "H-Hey, I'm not dead yet!"

Which will be responded by a small sigh.

"Don't take it so literally, it's not used to bury the dead. Rather, burial cloth can facilitate healing and help reattach severed limbs. Haven't I explained this before? Once I'm done washing and disinfecting your wound, this is what I will use to bandage it. I'm lending it to you, so please don't throw it away or neglect to lose it. I'd like to have it back, once you're properly healed and this is over." She clicks her tongue and speaks clinically, but her brows are still knit in concern.

"Oh. Okay."

Marisa breathed a bit of a sigh of relief. Her initial reaction was to jump to the worse assumption based on the fear she had inside. She wasn't sure she wanted to voice it, but... Ciel was supposed to be a religious person. Arcueid calls her 'the nun' and Ciel is part of the Church...

And she didn't have anyone else to go to...

"Ciel," Marisa said quietly as her leg was being tended to, trying her best to not flinch or react to the pain, "Do you know what the soul really is?"

Her faith is questionable. A certain shotapire coworker of hers may be able to shed more light on the subject for you, but the bratty drone is unfortunately too busy going through his drone sisters' pantie drawers in the house next door.

But she's good at putting up a show, yes.

"Please keep taking deep breaths, I'll be treating it now." Sitting down by the bathtub and rolling up her sleeves, she's going to proceed to do just that. After all, her hands can still move while she listens to Marisa and talks back.

"The soul? Hm... There are many ways to define it. Between different worlds, that definition would probably vary even more. As for how I know it... It's your base essence of self. Your information, to use another, more clinical term. You're conscious and alive because of it, otherwise your body would just be an empty shell. ...Ah, I'm not sure how helpful that was, did you mean it in a more spiritual sense?"

"...I don't know what I mean," Marisa replied honestly as she watched Ciel work on her leg, drawing in pained breaths and twitching in response to an unfortunate prod or cleansing solution.

"So you think... do you think it's something tangible even if only in a metaphysical way or just... something else." She rubbed her face and looked away for a bit. "Like can it be stolen in... where you're from?"

Ciel'll blink back at her in light surprise, before turning her attention back to the wound while she continues to answer Marisa.

"I don't know about tangible as if it can be touched, but it definitely exists. A soul can overwrite another one and corrode the original body by completely taking over. But even so, the initial soul won't disappear. It's more accurate to call it assimilation, something that can happen during possession. But it's not like the possessed soul stops existing, it may become warped or hidden but it won't disappear. Exorcising spirits or irregular flows of ill intentions that warp humans to birth a devil is part of the Church's duties. Even if the host dies, that soul will still return the root, like what happens to any other human who dies."

...

"Well, that's also what a magus well versed in the topic would tell you. The soul of someone who went through possession will probably fall into Purgatory first, if not directly into Hell." She lowers her head, seemingly becoming more 'focused' now on cleaning and disinfecting the injury.

"So... would the original soul of the possessed person still be aware of what was going on, just unable to react or do anything, or would it be more like the original soul got stuffed into a tiny box by the possessing soul and then shoved into their pocket?"

Marisa went back to watching Ciel work on her leg. "Can the original soul regain control and just, like, kick the other one out or is it still gonna be lingering around waiting for a chance to take over again?"

"That would really depend on the context. Any of the cases you mentioned are possible." She replies neutrally, though there's a small pause before she continues.

"That's wishful thinking. While there probably is a chance for it, a possessed soul will have a really hard time regaining back any control on its own. A great majority of the times, external interference is almost always needed. That's why exorcists exist, after all. It's how things are in my world." She's starting to catch on to ideas about why Marisa is asking her all this all of a sudden, but let's give it a bit more time and see where this goes first.

"Oh."

So Marisa was only 'back' because something else decided it was time for her to return. Did that mean she could still be taken back over at any moment? Did it really mean her soul wasn't her own?

"I guess that makes sense. Does your world have things without souls that seem so much like they're real, like they do? At least enough to fool a reasonably skilled magician..."

The quick shift of Marisa's expression to the more down and sour was hard to miss.

"Humans with weak magical resistance can be manipulated, but their soul is their own: possession is one of the few ways to take control. If you're asking for something non-organic to imitate the state of a soul, then I would say that it's impossible. Even taking the example of a homunculus, a man-made doll created through thaumaturgy to bear the traits of a real person, once that doll learns to think and feel for its own, it acquires a soul. Since homunculi are generally programmed to do their creator's bidding, an average homunculus is not very different from a machine. The rare ones crafted with great mastery and whose growth has been tended to carefully however can develop differently, it's a feat that both the Einzbern family and the Atlas Academy are known to have achieved. ...Well, some people may disagree with me, but that's how I would say it." She slumps her shoulders a bit, now finishing up with the washing and grabbing a clean towel by the side to dry her leg.

...

She breathes out.

"But you know, these things are meaningless here. No matter how such rules worked in our world, we're in a different world now where the most basic laws of mortality are completely ignored. What makes you think that any of what I've said may apply in Mayfield?" The towel is carefully wrapped around Marisa's injured leg while Ciel continuously channels healing to make sure that there's no pain or more bleeding to the best of her abilities. Her tone, however, has turned from clinical to serious. She will effectively be looking at Marisa in the eyes, or searching for them if the blonde witch refuses to meet her quiet and stern gaze.

"I don't." Marisa's eyes flicker up to meet Ciel's gaze a moment before dropping again.

"I'm just trying to understand what a soul is. I never really had to think about it before. I don't even know if it's possible to feel one."

Is that so...

Hm, if that's what she says. She'll nod before moving on also, finishing up on drying Marisa's leg.

"Is it that difficult? It could be just said to be who you are in a more abstract form, if we remove your physical body from the equation. But if you didn't have to think about it before, then why start now, if you don't mind me asking? There's already enough to preoccupy any mind as things currently are."

"I just... wonder if it can be stolen. Like anything else can. Taken away and you never notice..."

There's more Marisa could say, but she seemed to clam up then. She didn't want to say it out loud, voice her fears so clearly. Patchouli said she shouldn't think about it, that it will only make her upset, and that she had to believe... but it was hard. Especially, when she couldn't remember...

"You wouldn't have thought of something like this if it wasn't for Mayfield, so isn't it related after all?" Her tone isn't admonishing, but there is a lightly chiding quality that seems to convey 'you don't need to hide it'.

Which is just as quickly negated.

"But I suppose that it doesn't matter, it boils down to a question of personal belief. I don't think that souls can be stolen, no. Definitely not here, at any rate. Are you wondering about the timeframe between when you first woke up here, and that of your previous stay which you don't remember?"

"..."

Despite knowing that Ciel had picked up on what was bothering Marisa, the witch was still reluctant to voice it. She was worried that she'd be told it was nothing to be concerned about - dismissed, almost. Right now... With this subject... She's not sure she can handle being nagged over this.

"...yeah." But Ciel already had half of it figured out. "And... the machine. The one everyone thought the one in the Dairy was. Alice told me my soul had..."

"A half-baked 'truth' out of an April Fools' joke." She completes, eyes closed and looking neutral, if not cold. "People were definitely allowed into the dairy back then and a machine has been found, but even if it supposedly contained souls at that time, it's clear that it doesn't now. We now know the machine there is in truth responsible to overlook the revival and healing process to those who die." Setting the towel aside, she reaches out for the red cloth to finish the wrapping.

"I'll tell you something about that airhead vampire." There's a faint edge of annoyance, but not without acceptance. "She was supposedly permanently droned... November, December? Not last year, but the year before. She came back around February last year, without a single memory of this place. Just like you." Without looking up, she'll carefully start to bandage the wound close, squeezing a little here and there. It may cause a bit of pain, but nothing unbearable. If anything, Marisa may be able to feel for herself the special properties that Burial Cloth possesses.

"She became droned again soon after, and stayed that way until she came back once more last June. She's been around since. She recognized this town this time and knew the basics already, so it's much more than nothing despite the fact that her memories were fuzzy." Gingerly clipping the edge of the cloth shut, she finally pulls away.

"Putting this case aside with what you know, what do you think this means?" She meets Marisa's eyes again, and no words are needed to see that she wants the witch to think about this for a bit. Becoming droned and coming back as a blank slate is possible, but so is becoming droned and returning with previous memories of this place. Sure, this idea may seem disjointed from the subject of a soul's properties in Mayfield, but Ciel sure seems to think that they're related.

"Everyone says it was a joke, but no one knows for sure. Patchy is terrified of that thing, because of what she saw and heard when she went to it. She said she heard my voice... the voice of others who had gone..."

Marisa sighed and winced a bit at the pressure on her leg, but she then let out a smaller sigh of relief. She then listened to what Ciel said about Arcueid. So, the vampire had been here, then disappeared. She came back and didn't remember being there before. Like Marisa. And then she left again, but came back remembering? Marisa's brow furrowed as she thought about it.

"...that the memories are there. Somewhere. I just... don't have enough information."

"And what's the point of dawdling? It's not like we can rewind time to check once more. Besides, at that time, the machine was also destroyed. We just woke up the second day and were told it was a joke." She'll dismiss it as many times as she has to.

"...Hm. You're from Gensokyo, right Marisa? There are many others from there too, I was acquainted with a few myself before they were droned. You don't seem like the sort of person who would be able to stay put in one place for long. So can you tell me if there was a point in any time, when you noticed someone suddenly going missing with no reason or explanation at all?"

At that question, Marisa visibly flinched. No, she did more than flinch; she looked very much like Ciel had just slapped her across the face. In reality, the executioner had stirred up memories of her younger years that she tried to never think about.

And then she tried to get out of the bathtub.

"...Gaah, it doesn't work that way!" ...Okay so maybe that was a bad example, it was much easier to keep track of everyone in Misaki City due to proximity. Ciel has admittedly no idea if that would be the case for Gensokyo, and if anything, she already knew it was quite large.

"Please settle down and let me finish, you'll injure yourself again like this." It's not a command, but a sharp warning. She's also standing now, fully alert. If Marisa's leg doesn't get the better of her first, Ciel will make sure that she doesn't recklessly hurt herself.

Marisa got halfway out of the tub before her leg gave out on her and she pitched forward, catching herself on the floor giving a really nasty curse.

"Don't talk about people from Gensokyo disappearing without a trace and without warning so fucking casually."

...

Her shoulders slump a bit and she brings a hand to her temple. A wave of wariness flashes through her eyes, but a blink later, it's gone.

"I'm sorry. ...There's no way I'd be aware of your actual circumstances, I've been careless to cite examples in complete ignorance."

Rubbing her forehead and swallowing a sigh, she extends a hand.

"I won't speak of it again. May I help you up? I'm almost done." And now that the lid's open, she can only accept the fact that the worst of things are yet to come.

"No one knows." Except Reimu, but that was moot since the shrine maiden wasn't there.

For a long moment, Marisa stared at that hand as she debated smacking it away. She didn't exactly believe Ciel when she said she wasn't going to speak of it again. But... she had a nasty leg wound and if she didn't get it taken care of with someone who obviously could, Patchouli would scold her. So, she took the offered hand.

"Yeah... fine. Whatever."

It took some effort to hold back another sigh.

"Try to stay standing for a bit to let the blood flow readjust. If all went well, you should be able to walk okay now, but if it reopens, please come back to see me as soon as you can. I know that you'll probably ignore it if it's just a bit, but don't push yourself and lose too much blood out of stubbornness." Saying that in a somewhat tired voice, she'll kneel over to finish up.

"At any rate, what I'm trying to say is that after having seen countless come and go, from my world as well as others', I'm convinced that our presence here doesn't change a single thing from home. Arcueid, Akiha-san, Tohno-kun, Kohaku-san, Hisui-san, Sion, even that cat... We were all surprised to find each other here when we first arrived, but not once can we say that one of us suddenly vanished without explanation from Misaki City where we all met. As for myself, before I moved to this house, I think I went home during the day that I was droned. 2 years have passed and I returned to headquarters in Vatican. ...Hm, maybe I never left, but I definitely have new memories from home, and I could probably confirm them if he was still around."

Breathing out quietly, she stands back up to meet Marisa's eyes.

"It's easier to make a copy than to build something from scratch. Have you heard of this saying before? It's a theory, but I think that may be the case here. We all act the exact same way as we would from home, we can also gain access to everything that belonged to us provided that enough time passes. The heads of Mayfield have absolute control over everything inside this town, they can give us something as easily as they can to just take it away again. But do you think that it'd make sense, for the town to have as much power outside? If there's one thing we've witnessed repeatedly, it's that the illusion of perfection this town tries to maintain is extremely flimsy and fragile. It's easy to take note from the leaked phonecalls that more and more, order is falling apart and control is slipping from the fingers of figures like the mayor. So if people started going missing all over from different worlds outside, don't you think that someone would take notice? If Mayfield is trying to hide, it can't do that from countless other planes all at once, and definitely not forever. I also seriously doubt that it has enough power to do something as ludicrous as erasing our entire existence from our home realities. That would cause a huge unbalance, there's no way this plane can achieve anything of the sort. That's why in a sense, we're not actually here. Do you follow?"

Marisa stands as directed, wincing in pain, and grit her teeth.

"It stands to reason that this place is either outside the flow of time... or we're not real," Marisa said quietly in response. "A universe with its own laws, created for one reason. Like Makai."

The witch blinks back some tears. "I wish Alice was still here. She's from Makai."

"But it's still breaking down, what's outside is likely a nuclear wasteland. They don't care what happens to us, but at the same time they need us." In the end, she can't help but sigh again.

...

Did she miss the others? Shiki, Akiha, Merem? When Arcueid was droned?

...

She's always been good at repressing these things, admittedly. No, she'll stop thinking about that now before it goes too far.

"After all that's happened... It's for the best." It's a weak statement, but one she nevertheless believes to be true. "You'll see her again, it's just a matter of time." It may be overly simple and optimistic, but it's all she's got.

"Do you want to try walking back on your own? ...I'd honestly discourage you against it, but as long as you're careful, it should be good for a bit longer."

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You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star. [CLOSED]

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