mayfield_logs | Green is an ugly colour

Entry tags:

Green is an ugly colour

Who: Cain and Abel
What: Brotimes and jealousy
Where: Around and about
When: Saturday 2nd June
Warnings: None

How long had it been since the prom now? Too long... weeks, and Cain had spent all of them studiously avoiding spending time alone with his brother, while making it seem like that wasn't the case at all. He always had an excuse as to homework that needed doing, or prior plans with a friend, or he simply wasn't there when looked for. But when they were together briefly for meals, he was the same old Cain... smiling, teasing, acting as he always had done.

But just because he had been avoiding spending time with Abel, didn't mean he had been avoiding him altogether. Oh no. He had been stalking him near constantly when he had free time, seeing if he met with Aurora again. It had been on one of those times when he had found Abel on a date with another woman (geez, bro, how many do you need?!), someone he never would have expected to be a threat from this corner. He had spent his time under a table in the diner listening, and then following at a safe distance in the evening when they had gone to make-out point.

Jealousy, insecurity, anger... it wasn't a pretty pot of emotions boiling under the surface, and Cain was planning ways to make sure Abel remained his, as was proper. But until then, until Abel was his and his alone again, he had to keep his distance. This Saturday was no exception to the rule, and Cain was up early, intending to be out of the house before his slugabed brother got up, saving him from having to make another excuse. Excuse him tip-toeing through the lounge where his bum not!twin usually slept.

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His little brother's world really is a strange one, isn't it? Painted by jealousy-tinted glasses... seeing things where there really wasn't anything to see at all.

There's something to be said for the level of obliviousness Abel can maintain at any one given moment -- he's extremely observant where the unease and pain of others in concerned... but things like affection or sincerity often fly over his head. Maybe there's something willful about that -- he'd argue with steadfast vigor that he didn't deserve either of those things, after all... so, it's easier not to see it than acknowledge it's there. Regardless, these 'dates' that his brother's fabricated in his head were totally innocent and in no way at all any kind of threat or comparison to the time he spends, or love he feels, with and for Cain.

No one would ever replace him. No one ever could. Not even a certain red haired woman from long, long ago.

Did he really think he was, ah. That... type of person? A man who plays around with women? He had friends, yes, but... if he thought him some suave romantic, he'd be sadly ~~delusional~~ mistaken. It couldn't really be any further from the truth.

But it's not really about that... is it...?

He's noticed the way his twin has pulled back and away. He's noticed the distance, the preoccupation... he noticed everything, over time. He might not have picked up on it right away, but... the way he's been avoiding him is hard not to realize after it stretches on. And that means he's done something... wrong, doesn't it? He might not equate it to the time he's spent with others (does his brother even note the attention he gives those other than the fairer sex around here? SHEESH), and he might not have a clue what's gotten his brother so distant... but...

It's gone on long enough.

This morning, when Cain comes down the stairs to escape the house... Abel has (GASP SHOCK HORROR) managed to occupy the kitchen and... somehow, cook something that at least smells half-edible! He's poking his head out at the sound of footsteps, too -- and spotting his brother, is leaning to wave him over with a cheery smile, gesturing him closer with a wave of his spatula.

"Hey--! Cain! Just who I was hoping to see!"

It's not so simple in Cain's mind. His world is tainted by the insecurity and fear that surely Abel would remember well. His twin is one of the very few things that he can call his own, one of the few people who truly love him for who he is, and he is terrified of losing that. Other people are a threat to his 'ownership' of his brother, they monopolise his time and his affection, they distract him and make him worry about other things.

He is already frightened of this with the man Abel has become... He loves the world now, friends with everyone, and so many people seem to love him back. But Cain only has Abel still, really, if he's honest with himself. All the friends he's made here, bar one or two, are all for show. His brother is still all he has, and if he has to share him, then the segment of love that's all his own diminishes.

Of course he has noticed the people of other sexes Abel spends time with, he doesn't much like that either, but nothing holds a greater threat than a romantic entanglement. He had seen it among terrans time and time again, they fell in love and everything else fell by the wayside. They moved away from families, lost contact with friends, dedicated themselves heart and soul to the one they 'loved'. He couldn't let that happen with Abel, he wouldn't allow it to happen.

HOW IS ABEL UP SO EARLY? He thought his brother was allergic to mornings or something... Not to mention that smells actually edible. Perhaps Abel has been replaced by a weird copy, that is the only explanation, right? He gives his brother the usual smile, coming in and sitting down as though he had been expecting breakfast with Abel all along.

"It must be important to get you awake this early on a Saturday... or has Adam peed on the sofa again?"

Theirs is a completely healthy brotherly love, of course... The UNASF is grade-A at producing emotionally stable products, clearly.

Waving his hand (and spatula in it) in dismissal, he gives a little huff. He's still in his clothes from the night before -- so, maybe it's less a question of being an early bird insomuch as being a night owl in this case... the (pink) apron he's got on is much more a fashion statement, anyway!

"No, thank you... There weren't any accidents of the dog variety this morning, for your information. You say that like I'm some lazeabout, Cain! You're going to hurt my feelings with that kind of talk!"

As if he doesn't try to sleep in as late as he can get away with every day of the week ever...

It's enough to question the sanity of whoever supplied the original base code DNA sample that they were made from... are they out there even now, being obsessed with their family members and generally being utterly cuckoopants?

The pink apron is only getting the slightest of raised eyebrows, it suits Abel surprisingly well, and at least it's keeping his cassock (sort of) free of too many food stains.

"The truth can hurt sometimes, Abel, but it doesn't make it any less true. You are a lazeabout, there's no good pretending any different."

Arguably nurture versus nature this time, dear brother. They may have been bred for intelligence and leadership, but... their upbringing had also fostered that kind of obsession through seclusion and detachment from everyone else, didn't it? It's a miracle they weren't cuckoo of the more... um, unpleasant variety. (Well, maybe one day they could be but that's entirely beside the point.)

It's just a simple white (slightly stained already somehow oops) shirt and run-of-the-mill slacks today; he had gone to work yesterday and been apparently too lazy to change out of-- no cassock? It wasn't all that strange, right? But he's neglected to wear it much of this week, truthfully. It may or may not be temporarily out of commission until he gets it mended, ahem... But that's neither here nor there~! He's looking quite pleased with himself despite Cain's teasing, smiling cheerfully (and with no small measure of victory) as he places a plate of (half-burnt) toast and (partially over-cooked) scrambled eggs with some (messily) cut up strawberries before him.

"Ha!! Then would a lazeabout have managed to get up extra early for his dear, darling baby brother to make this?!"

The whole thing is declared as if he had just delivered his twin the Tah Mahal of culinary masterpieces... but, let's be fair. In comparison to his usual lack of cooking prowess... this seems a major accomplishment.

Actually, compared to what Abel usually managed to create when he set himself the task of cooking something more complex than toast, this was pretty damn good. But Cain doesn't really want any of it, he has a bad feeling that Abel has cottoned onto him avoiding him for a while...

Still, he sits down and scoops some of the over-cooked eggs into his mouth with a mock-critical expression. Hmm. HMMM.

"Not bad! Not bad at all... But you're still a lazeabout."

He leans over to look down into Cain's face, pleased... well, look at this! Cain's eating his home cooking HOW TOUCHING..... Chuckling at his response, he's ruffling blonde hair fondly.

"Now, now... there's time for being critical later~!" He's all cheery smiles despite it all, before coming to sit beside him with his predictable cup of morning tea. Even if it's with an added tension... peaceful mornings like this together are something he knows he can never take for granted and dutifully appreciates.

"Did you sleep well last night?" Yes, menial and trivial breakfast conversation...

Eating Abel's cooking is something that deserves a medal of bravery, it's something that makes the diner take their life in their hands with every forkful... but this seems like one of the rare non-toxic dishes.

He can't help but be on edge with this conversation, he knows that Abel has noticed something and the talk of 'later' suggests that he might not have as easy an escape as usual.

"Very well, which is more than can be said for you if you're in last night's clothes. You should get to sleep, I'll be quiet as I leave."

Whoops... so he noticed his impressive lack of foresight in spending too long trying to produce something edible rather than deal with shaping up, huh? Looking sheepish, he gives a little chuckle and cups his tea, but there's a quiet concern in his eyes. Cain really is trying to get rid of him, even now...

"...I must have really messed up this time, huh?"

Cain isn't being subtle about it at all... even Abel, in his infinite obliviousness, has managed to pick up on this distinct aversion to his presence -- and the tension in his brother's eyes that suggests there was something genuinely ill at ease between them. He really and truly hates this feeling...

Ah--

He was so used to Abel beating around the bush now, too cowardly to confront a situation between them that was awkward (after all, when they first arrived Abel had avoided him for days rather than face the fact his twin was alive and with him), that he had been hoping that would be the case now.

"You've not done anything wrong, don't be silly."

His smile is easy and apparently genuine, though he keeps his eyes on the plate as he knows they'd give him away.

"Then why won't you look at me?"

The question is soft, lacking any real accusation behind it at all. Abel instead finds it suitable to play with his teacup, eyes watching surface of what liquid remains. "You've been avoiding me for weeks, now... At first I thought you might just be busy and having fun here, but -- it's definitely more than that... isn't it?"

He really wished there was another explanation for this, but-- he's run out of ways to rationalize it away.

He just doesn't know how to deal with the fact that Abel has other people important in his life, people he might choose to spend time with over Cain, people he might... love.

He lifts his head almost defiantly to look into his brother's face, still the smile there like armour against this conversation. He doesn't want to have it, he doesn't want... any of this.

"We've both been busy, that's all. We have other people in our lives here."

There's the tiniest bite behind the words 'other people', a bitterness that wasn't entirely possible to hide.

Cain's smiles, however much he himself might see them as 'armor,' are so see-through as to be painful. He might as well be screaming that something is wrong; Abel is catching on. It might have taken months with him here in Mayfield, but... he isn't the naive child or the delusional, angry person he had been when he had the chance to grow up beside his twin. Now...

...

Abel's smile is fading, just a little bit more at the response.

"Other people?"

The bitterness is dripping like venom from his lips. 'Other people' in their lives. He's angry... angry Abel is spending time with others? Maybe he feels neglected...?

Much as he loves his brother, and he's grateful to be able to spend time with this version of him, this is definitely one of the times he misses that little angry-eyed boy. His Abel never would have questioned it, never would have even caused this problem in the first place.

"Right, we both have other friends here, don't we?"

Perhaps he's childishly testing Abel for his own response now, half hoping for a return of jealousy in kind to think Cain could have others. It's immature and ridiculous, and he doesn't even really know he's doing it, he's just desperate for a show that his brother still wants him the most.

"I actually have plans with some of them shortly, I shouldn't keep them waiting."

The angry-eyed child had lived a life separated from and utterly dependent on his 'siblings,' and Cain in particular... of course he wouldn't have spurned this problem. That boy had hated them -- all of them, anyone who wasn't kin back then. He would forsake them all before they ever had the chance to do the very same to him, because it was inevitable.

...That's what he had believed.

It isn't what he believes, now. It doesn't have to be that way.

But he's beginning to wonder if perhaps... some part of his social butterfly, enigmatic and charming brother -- his twin, his other half... shares the pain of that lonely view, after all. It's met with immediate and vehement denial, of course -- it should be impossible, all things considered, but... if Mayfield has taught him anything--

If living had taught him anything... it was that things are not always as they seem. 'Truths' are not always as concrete as you would make them out to be.

There's a soft furrow at his brow. "You're avoiding me, even now." Avoiding talking to him; addressing this... hiding behind smiles and taking passive-aggressive jabs where his child's heart can't stand the feelings its containing anymore. Brother...

...They're becoming closed off and separate, all over again...

Whether is has to be that way or not is irrelevant, Cain wants it to be that way. He doesn't need anyone but his brother, he never has done, his smiles and friendship had always been a smoke-screen for other purposes. He doesn't want to need anyone but Abel, his twin is a constant companion, a best friend, the only person to love him unconditionally.

Why should he change that?

Why would Abel have changed so much? Abel used to feel the same way, and now that was threatened, now Abel wanted other people. He loved everyone, a true love that wasn't just...

"I'm not avoiding you, we both just have other people in our lives now."

Cain doesn't want to talk about this. Abel doesn't understand any more, and Cain doesn't understand why Abel has changed. Not really. So he slips off his seat, leaving the breakfast mostly untouched.

What he wants, and what Cain believes he wants can be two very different things. In this case, it may not be the same at all...

The catalyst for change is something his brother might understand -- something that might even change his own perspective, if he were to hear it. But it would do so much more damage than good; it's for that reason (and a mix of his own selfish fears and shame and guilt) that he can't bring himself to divulge the full details of what's transpired in his past, and... his little brother's future.

When Cain lifts to his feet to head out the door, there's a hand at his wrist to halt him. His eyes are now openly imploring.

"...having friends doesn't mean that we don't have time for each other, Cain."

Is he... jealous--? It seems like such a ridiculous idea... his brother had so many friends as they grew up, and-- yes, it was true... Abel had been envious. Positively hateful, even -- doing everything he could to push them away, with violence if necessary. Cain had always lectured him to be gentle, to halt his hand, to try and make friends. So why was it now, when he appears to be listening to that very advice...

...

Is Abel really so blind to the truth, having learnt what he had about Cain's masks and false smiles already? His 'friends' had never been friends, they had either been people who he could use for something or they had been designed specifically to make Abel jealous. The possessive jealousy had reassured him of how much he was loved and wanted, of the fact that he was the only thing of importance in Abel's life.

Perhaps if he believed Abel had friends here for the same reasons then he would be able to stomach it, but... it's more than obvious it's not that at all. He really cares about these people, perhaps some even more than just friends.

"What about if we have girlfriends?"

He doesn't even try and hide the bitterness this time, too hurt and angry at Abel for both not understanding without it needing spelt out and for even wanting anyone else in the first place.

"Let go, Abel. I have somewhere to be, I've made plans with one of my friends. I never said we couldn't have time for each other, but... you're an adult and I'm a child, it's only natural for us to gravitate to people who have more in common with us."

"...GIRLfriends?"

Did his voice just crack?

...It might have just cracked, the word more comically squawked than spoken. Really, Cain, you can't just-- go and surprise a man with something weird and out of the blue like that, okay-- YOU'RE FAR TOO YOUNG FOR THAT KIND OF THING WHY IS THIS HAPPENING WHAT NO STOP--

...But seeing such an expression on his brother's face is rather sobering, and so he's discarding the awkward declaration rather quickly, shaking his head as he tugs at that wrist gently to root Cain in place. He's rising from his own chair and coming to crouch down in front of him, stubbornly tilting his head to try and get his twin to make eye contact.

"Cain... what is this really about? I don't understand what's gotten into you at all... girlfriends? Friends...? Are you upset that we're spending time with other people here...?"

His hands find his shoulders, and it's clear he has no intention of letting him find an easy out, to escape having this conversation, eyes set firmly on their much younger mirror.

"...there's... no one like you anywhere in this town. In this world-- in... any world. I don't think of us like that at all..."

Does... Cain? Does he see them floating apart...? He doesn't understand... they hadn't been, he thought -- not until Cain had began avoiding him... But -- was that because Abel had misstepped? Ahh, he doesn't grasp this...

That's one of the roots of the problem, that Abel doesn't even get that there is a problem or comprehend why it would be such a bad thing to have other people too. It was all well and good to say that there was nobody like him in any world, but it used to be Cain was all he needed in any world too...

He is stubbornly refusing to make eye contact still, well aware he's behaving shamefully like the child he actually is. But Abel had always been the one who could crack his defences better than anyone else, always the one who could make him forget his determination and focus.

"Please let go of me, Abel, I'm going to be late."

He doesn't want to discuss this at all. He won't discuss it. If Abel wants to spend time with others and not even get why that's a thing that would hurt, then Cain is not going to demean himself by begging for the alternative.

"You're imagining things, probably because you've been up all night. You know I love you, why would I be angry?"

"I know... I know I'm not imagining this time," he says, but the firmness he puts into his voice is spoiled by the doubt and hesitation in his eyes. A man who always second-guesses himself is not particularly good at holding his ground and convincing himself he's confident, especially when it comes to subjects in which he's insecure to begin with.

"Something is wrong, Cain. I don't-- understand, but... I want to." That much is true and sincere, genuine and confident. He knows there's something amiss -- and he's willing to bet it's his fault, but he can't discern exactly what it is. And he needs to. He has to fix it; he has to. "...please. Please talk to me, okay...? I'm sorry if I'm making you late, but-- this is... it's important."

Important?

If it was so important, then why would Abel have done it in the first place? Explaining would be hollow and feel like a sham... maybe Abel would apologise, but every moment they spent together afterwards would feel like it was done out of guilt.

"You're being a hypocrite, Abel."

Not like Cain is one to talk, really. Pot and kettle come to mind, but it's easier to deflect this than actually give a real explanation.

"There are important things you haven't shared with me, and things that I've wanted to know that you've refused to talk to me about."

It's not like there's a difference between horrific Crusnik murders and some new harmless friends in Mayfield, right?

It's a connection he isn't even capable of making -- there is such a huge leap, he can't grasp it, and he gives Cain more credit than doing such. The furrow at his brow is one of confusion yet again... He's assuming it has something to do with what had been mentioned before -- friends, here? Time spent with others...?

"...What do you mean?" He understands there is much he's been vague about, but... it's something he can do nothing but apologize for. If he had a way to make it right that protected his brother from the truths he absolutely couldn't face -- child or adult, man or monster... then he would have done it in a heartbeat. Sadly, he doesn't possess an answer to that question.

How do I help, Cain...?

Believe him... he wishes-- he wishes he knew.

Abel always had given Cain too much credit. He was intelligent, for sure, but he was every bit as immature and scared as his brother had been at this age as well... he just hides it better most of the time.

But even as angry as he is, he knows that turning this into another demand for information that Abel has already made clear he isn't going to give, would just seem childish and churlish... not to mention pointless. And he doesn't want to talk about the issues that are actually bothering him.

"...Abel, please let me go, we're going in circles."

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