mayfield_logs | Burn away the pride

Entry tags:

c: edward elric

Burn away the pride

Who: April Sinclair and Edward Elric.
What: April has started to withdraw back into her shell. Ed is gonna help pull her out of it.
Where: The park!
When: March 26th
Warnings: Probably some yelling, swearing and some sad talk.

April usually liked the park; it helped calm her down and cheered her up when she was upset. But it wasn't working this time. This time she just wanted to stay huddled underneath this tree and not move as all the negative feelings just swelled up and ate away at her. Since in the end, it all wouldn't matter...

Some movement out of the corner of her eye catches her attention; it was someone she had seen in the park a few times before but had never spoken to. So, she hunches up some more underneath the tree, as if to try and hide.

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The park was one of the few places in Mayfield that Ed liked. It felt more normal then the rest of the town and he found it easier to relax there. It was a good place to go when he needed to clear his head, needed to get away from his "home", needed to get away from the sight of his dead mother's drone cooking dinner in the kitchen.

Today was one of those times, but today something seemed... off. At first he couldn't quite place what it was, but he found the answer easily enough.

The girl by the tree. He'd seen her here before, several times in fact, but he'd never seen her like this. She was practically hiding under that tree. Seemed so utterly defeated. Sure they may have never said a word to each other, but this wasn't something he could ignore.

"Hey, is everything ok?" He asked a bit tentatively as he approached. What could have possibly happened to this girl...?

The last thing she was expecting was him to approach, and she had completely tuned everything out that hearing his voice made her jerk and look up in surprise. She wasn't acting like the cheerful person she was before, and instead seemed more like a frightened, wary animal.

When her shock wears off, she just looks at him in confusion; why is he asking this? He doesn't even know her, so whether she's okay or not shouldn't matter. But she manages to put on a small smile and gives him a nod, even though mentally she was screaming at herself for putting on this act.

"Y-yeah, everything is ok. I'm f-fine." She almost winces at how her voice sounds; too unsure and almost hollow.

The response wasn't exactly unexpected. He couldn't blame her for being surprised, but it bothered him. It bothered him because this wasn't like her -- her posture, the expression on her face, the empty sound of her voice. It wasn't right. He's seen her around enough to know that much.

"... I'd sure as hell hate to see what "bad" looked like." He paused, motioning to the empty patch of grass next to her. "Mind if I join you?"

Her expression turns wary and her eyes almost seem to search his expression to see if he has some sort of motive behind this. He should, shouldn't he? She doesn't understand why her emotional state would matter, so there should be a reason why he's doing this.

But she gives him a nod and a quiet, "I don't mind, go ahead..." in reply; her voice still sounded empty but there was a hint of curiosity in it this time.

"Thanks."

If she was looking for a motive other than actual concern, she wasn't going to find it here. Ed's not all that difficult to read and there was not a single trace of anything that could even remotely be concerned suspicious.

"Name's Ed, by the way. Edward Elric." He sits down next to her, offering his hand. See, he's just being friendly, really.

That just confuses her even more, and she watches him warily as he sits down, almost seeming to huddle more into herself when he does. And then he offers his hand and April just blinks in surprise at it, before glancing up at him and then back at his hand.

"... I-I'm April. Um, n-nice to meet you, Ed." And she hesitantly takes his hand, now straightening up a bit instead of being hunched into herself.

"Likewise."

He pulls away and leans back with his arms stretched out behind him to support his weight.

"So how long have you been here for?"

She watches him for a moment longer, before her eyes turn back down to the ground and she folds her arms back on top of her knees.

"... A-about over a month now, though this i-is my second time in Mayfield. The first time I was here, I w-was here for a year before I g-got sent home."

"Your second time, huh? Just another reason to hate this place even more. They take you here, take away everything you know, then suddenly you're back home, but before you know it you wake up here... again."

He sighs, sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck. "At least you still have your memories from the last time you were here. That seems to be pretty uncommon."

"... Yeah, it is pretty uncommon. A lot of people I know come back without any memories."

She somehow seems more depressed as she says that, and she hunches up into herself just a little more.

Making her even more upset was not his intent and he can't help but feel a bit guilty.

"Sorry, didn't mean to bring up any unpleasant memories or anything."

She glances over to him and shakes her head. Even in her depressed state, she didn't like making anyone else unhappy.

"It's all right. It's just... a normal part of life here, I guess. Friends will sometimes forget you."

"No, it's not all right. That's not something that should ever be considered normal."

Ed shakes his head with a small frown. "It sucks from both sides. This isn't my first time here, but I don't remember any of it and I hate knowing that there's people that this town has made me forget."

If April was her normal self, she would have agreed and even have chastised herself for what she said before. But now, she just watches him with dull eyes before she looks back to the ground.

"... And did you want to re-establish ties with those people?"

"I did, yeah. If they said they knew me I gave them the benefit of the doubt, got to know them again. I don't know if we're as close as we were from any of the other times I've been here, but I'm trying at least."

He turns, looking at her sharply. It's not a hostile look, if anything it's defiant. Defiant and fiercely determined. There's a fire in those eyes. "I won't let Mayfield take something like that away from me."

That seems to get a reaction out of her, as she turns her eyes back at him and raises her head slightly. She doesn't say anything at first and instead gives a firm nod before speaking.

"... A good attitude to have. You can't let this place take something like that away." There's a sign of some sort of life on her expression, but it looks... dampened. As if there's something within her that's smothering the exuberance she had always shown before.

He's relived to see that got some sort of reaction out of her. Something that wasn't April curling into herself.

"Thinking about it any other way means I'm letting them win and I'm sure as hell not letting that happen."

"And you can't let this place win, no matter what." Her voice still sounds hollow, but there is some sort of emotion in it; the faintest hint of determination.

"Right," he nods firmly, offering her her a bit of a smile "And neither can you."

April stares at him shock, now finally letting emotion show clearly on her face.

"I..." She won't give up, she knows this. But why does this matter to him? She knows she doesn't mean anything, so...

Her eyes focus back on the ground, her expression conflicted. What happens to her doesn't matter, it shouldn't. "I-I won't."

A small frown pulls at his lips and his brow furrows slightly in concern. He leans forward, watching her carefully.

"... You don't seem too sure about that."

"I am sure. I am." Then why does she feel like crying when she says that? But, if she didn't want to give up, then why did she feel like this? Like it all didn't matter? Why did he even care in the first place-

It's only when she feels her eyes burning that she presses the heels of her hands to her eyes.

Ed had to wonder how long she's been holding this in for. How long has she felt this way, denied that whatever happened to her was actually ok? He knew better than anyone how much easier it was to pretend, to just say everything was fine and act like everything was normal. He also knew how much it hurt to finally admit the truth to yourself. He knew how hard it could be to get past it, to stand up again and but yourself back together.

"It's ok to cry, April. There's no shame in it."

She didn't want to cry, she hated crying, it made her feel weak and vulnerable and like a child again and she hated it. But now she can't stop the tears and the loud sobs from escaping her, even as she pressed the heels of her hands harder to her eyes and bit on her lip to muffle her sobs.

"... W-why... Why do you c-care?" It was hard to get that sentence out between the hiccuping, but she managed to say it.

Edward Elric are you capable of doing anything other than making girls cry? Seriously?

"We're in this together, right? I'm stuck here, you're stuck here. We've all gotta help each other out."

"I shouldn't... I don't matter," That's almost hissed out, even as she chokes back her sobs and she moves her hands away to look at him. She looks more confused than anything. "Y-you get nothing out of h-helping me, so why bother... I-I'll be able to fight later, s-so there's no point in doing this."

He stares at her incredulously. Was this what this was all about? Did she really think that she didn't matter? That what happens to her doesn't matter? Does she honestly believe he's only talking to her because he wants something?

Oh no. Oh hell no. That isn't who Ed is. That is not how he works. Every life is important. Every single one of them.

"Don't. That's bullshit. I didn't start talking to you hoping that I'd be able to get something out of this. I'm not sitting here because I want anything from you. I'm doing this because the girl I saw under this tree -- the girl who used to look like she could take on the world -- looked like someone had beaten the life out of her. She looked like she was ready to give up and I wasn't about to let that happen. Not if I could do something about it.

"We're in this fight together whether you like it or not and I won't let this damn town break anyone like this. Not if I can help it. Giving up isn't an option. I don't know what happened to you here, I don't know what you've been through, but whatever it was you can not let it stop you.

"Mayfield's good at tearing people down, but you've gotta pick yourself back up. You have to keep moving. Don't let this place make you feel like you don't matter, that what happens to you doesn't matter because it does. Every life is important, April. You matter, but if you keep sinking into yourself? If you let yourself believe that? You're letting them win."

That stuns her into silence, and for a while she just stares at him in shock. Then her expression turns angry, but not at him, but what had made her like this, what had been eating away at her in the first place. April didn't want to feel like this, she hated this, and she could feel her emotions start to overflow.

"It's not Mayfield that made me like this, it only sped up the process! Because you know what? This has been me for years, since I was a kid! And I've kept it all bottled up and acted like everything was fine. That I didn't think this about myself, that this wasn't eating away at me, that it didn't hurt! And I was genuinely happy most of the time, but now it just started to hurt too much." A part of her was screaming at her to stop, but by now her emotions were out of her control and she couldn't stop herself, even though her vision is becoming blurred and she's shaking from the force of her crying.

"For over ten years, I've told myself that no one cared, and that I don't matter. Because if my own goddamn parents would just throw me away because of what I am, who else would even care!" And then she stops, her shock over what she just said clear on her expression, before she covers her mouth as she chokes back her sobs.

"Just being your parents doesn't automatically make them good people! It doesn't mean they make all the right decisions or that they have the right to tell you who you are and what you should feel. The only person who can do that is you. Your life is what you make of it. I'm not saying that means you shouldn't let it bother you -- honestly, I'd be more concerned if it didn't. You need to let it hurt. You need to let it out and come to terms with it. Bad shit happens and it sucks and it hurts, but you need to let yourself accept it. You don't have to forgive anything, you don't have to try to forget, just accept it and let yourself move on with the rest of your life."

"Let me ask you a question," His voice softens slightly, but it still carries a stern edge. "'All is one. One is all.' What do you think that means?"

She hiccups quietly as she let his words sink in. And she thinks over his question for a few moments, her eyebrows furrowed in thought, though she slowly shakes her head.

"I-I..." That comes out as a strained squeak, so she clears her throat before speaking again. "... I don't know..."

"I don't know if alchemy exists as a legitimate, practiced science where you're from, but back home it is. That's what I do. I'm an alchemist. My little brother and I taught ourselves most of what we know, but we did have a teacher at one point."

Ed looks away, rubbing the back of his neck as he shakes his head a little. The hardness in his eyes softens and a ghost of a smile pulls at the corners of his lips. It's a strange expression -- nostalgic and sad and maybe something a little painful, but still showing that he was very fond of this particular memory.

"But before our teacher would take us on as apprentices, she took us to this little island a few miles off shore and told us that if weren't able to explain what 'All is one, one is al'" meant she would send us packing. She gave us one month to figure it out and said that while we were there we were strictly forbidden to use alchemy. Then she left. So my brother and I were stuck on this stupid, shitty little island by ourselves with nothing but the clothes on our back. It was miserable."

"... But we did learn a lot," For a moment he's silent, his smile growing ever so slightly. "You see, the world, the entire universe is 'all'. And then there's you, just you. One lone, single person living alongside everything else. You are the 'one'. It doesn't seem like it would mean much of anything, but you really need to think about it. About how everything is connected, how one simple action can impact everything around it. Understanding that is the only way to truly understand alchemy. Not only that, but understanding that phrase is understanding the flow of life, the energy in every single living being, and what keeps the world itself alive.

"It shows you that you are just one person and that even though alchemy is a powerful science, you can't use it to fix everything. There are some things that will never have a perfect solution. You've just gotta work with the flow and accept it. Don't fight against it or try to conquer it. Most importantly, it shows you that this doesn't make your life mean less. Everything, everyone, is just as important as everything else."

April listens to him, now completely sitting up straight instead of being huddled into herself like earlier. And when he's finished, she is silent for a few moments, thinking over what he said.

"I... understand." And it's clear she means it, and she takes a deep breathe and wipes her eyes. Now she looks more like the girl he had seen before. "... Thank you."

Ed turns to face her with a legitimate smile. "Heh, don't mention it."

The change in her demeanor is a welcome sight and he's relieved to see that what he said actually resonated with her.

"Just try to remember that from now on, ok?"

A nod and she gives him a small, but genuinely happy smile back. "I will remember, I promise."

"But still, thank you. I... don't want to think of what would have happened if you hadn't seen me." With all the negative emotions that were swirling within her, it wouldn't have ended well.

"You've got nothing to thank me for, really." He laughs a little, rubbing the back of his neck.

"But for what's it worth, you're welcome."

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Burn away the pride

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