His shoulders sank, his eyes still fixed on the floor. He couldn't look up, couldn't meet Al's eyes. Ed had been trying to put this behind him, to pretend that it didn't hurt, to pretend that the thought of it didn't make him feel sick. But it did. It did hurt. It did make him feel sick. It made him furious, made his breath catch in his chest, made every muscle in his body tense.
"It was a few weeks after I got here. The milkman was running the town and he instated this law that every house was required to drink the milk delivered to them. It didn't matter who drank it, as long as someone did, but the effect it had on that person was... it was horrible. Some people were poisoned, some suffered from hallucinations. A few people found themselves swallowing razor blades so there wasn't really a whole lot of incentive to actually drink the stuff."
Ed took a deep breath, taking a moment to calm his nerves as best he could, to keep the shake out of his voice. "But if no one drank it, the entire house would end up droned. It wasn't... it wasn't a normal droning though. It made you hunt down anyone who 'disobeyed the law' and... and kill them."
His throat felt tight and he swallowed hard to get rid of the lump that was starting to settle in the back of his throat. "Lust and I were both droned. She didn't lead me to anyone, we went... we went together. I didn't... I never laid a hand on Lieutenant Hawkeye, but Lust... she did and I -- ."
Hurt, fear, anger and disgust laced his words. His voice strained painfully and he cut himself short in an attempt to hold back his tears. It worked for the most part, but he couldn't keep his voice from cracking.
"-- Al, I... I just stood there. I stood there with an axe in my hand and watched. Just. Watched. With this big fucking smile on my face like watching her die was the best thing in the world. I let her die, Al. I did nothing to stop it. Nothing. And if Lust hadn't gotten to her first I... it would've been me. I would've killed her."
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His shoulders sank, his eyes still fixed on the floor. He couldn't look up, couldn't meet Al's eyes. Ed had been trying to put this behind him, to pretend that it didn't hurt, to pretend that the thought of it didn't make him feel sick. But it did. It did hurt. It did make him feel sick. It made him furious, made his breath catch in his chest, made every muscle in his body tense.
"It was a few weeks after I got here. The milkman was running the town and he instated this law that every house was required to drink the milk delivered to them. It didn't matter who drank it, as long as someone did, but the effect it had on that person was... it was horrible. Some people were poisoned, some suffered from hallucinations. A few people found themselves swallowing razor blades so there wasn't really a whole lot of incentive to actually drink the stuff."
Ed took a deep breath, taking a moment to calm his nerves as best he could, to keep the shake out of his voice. "But if no one drank it, the entire house would end up droned. It wasn't... it wasn't a normal droning though. It made you hunt down anyone who 'disobeyed the law' and... and kill them."
His throat felt tight and he swallowed hard to get rid of the lump that was starting to settle in the back of his throat. "Lust and I were both droned. She didn't lead me to anyone, we went... we went together. I didn't... I never laid a hand on Lieutenant Hawkeye, but Lust... she did and I -- ."
Hurt, fear, anger and disgust laced his words. His voice strained painfully and he cut himself short in an attempt to hold back his tears. It worked for the most part, but he couldn't keep his voice from cracking.
"-- Al, I... I just stood there. I stood there with an axe in my hand and watched. Just. Watched. With this big fucking smile on my face like watching her die was the best thing in the world. I let her die, Al. I did nothing to stop it. Nothing. And if Lust hadn't gotten to her first I... it would've been me. I would've killed her."